What Do You See?

What Do You See?

As I looked at this picture of the woman in the hat and dark glasses I saw hiding and it convicted me. I couldn’t help but ask myself how many times have I put on a hat and dark glasses to hide?

What do hiding places look like?

Hiding behind dark glasses is one way to hide your eyes so that others can’t read your non-verbal cues. The darker the lens, the less likely someone can see your eyes…or see into your pain…or see into what you are trying to hide.
 
I like the comfort of putting on the dark lenses not just for deflecting the sun from my eyes, but if I’m just being honest, for deflecting the looks that could read my non-verbals. Deflecting the looks to what is going on inside so I don’t have to deal with them. It could be fear, anger, distrust, hurt, insecurities, discouragement, lack of control or a host of other emotions and feelings.

I was called out on this several years ago at a staff retreat where we were to choose a staffer and take a walk and talk. We were walking outside so it was necessary to have the dark lenses covering my eyes, but they wanted to see my face. They wanted to read my non-verbals and I took the lenses off.

That put me in a vulnerable place and I had to deal right then and there. You would have thought that from that experience that I was free from hiding, but I had other ways.

Hiding looks differently for everyone and hiding can be done in multiple ways. Some may hide behind the comfort of food (this is a favorite of mine!), some hide by being in an altered state through alcohol, medications or illicit drugs. Some may hide by not going out in public, not answering phone calls, texts or emails. Some (like me) hide by being in a crowd with people where small talk is easy. Some may hide behind a diagnosis. Some hide being too busy, by working excessively, by taking on more things (I can relate to this one too), some hide by escaping either through television, movies, reading, traveling, or making time for every other thing under the sun. Some hide behind excessive weight, or by controlling their intake of food, or through excessive working out. 

There are hundreds of hiding places!

What Causes Us to Hide?

Lots of things can cause us to hide and I chalked mine up to grief. After my mom passed away from cancer in 2011, I needed and wanted space so I wouldn’t have to deal with emotions or feelings or people.I feared being vulnerable and I had a stone wall protecting my heart.

Hiding looked like retreating from people for me. Not engaging, not putting myself in situations where I would have to be around people. This was a serious situation since I am an extrovert! It seemed easier to hide and not deal pretending everything was OK. I wanted everything to be OK but it wasn’t and I wasn’t.

Hiding became a way of not having to deal with stuff. My stuff. The stuff inside of me that keeps me from living and loving others. The stuff that got stuffed. Pushed down into the depths of my heart like dirty laundry packed into a basket. After a while though, you have to deal with the dirty laundry because you need your clothes back and you can’t deal with the smell!

What I learned was my habit of hiding began a long time ago and it was in this season of grief and learning how to be vulnerable and deal that God brought my hiding to the surface.

How Am I Learning to Stop Hiding?

Freedom from hiding for me has been a one step at a time process. Taking the shades off to be vulnerable in the staff situation definitely got my attention to begin the process and to trust it.

Opening the basket of stuff is scary and hard and the only way that works for me is to let God guide the process. That looks like asking Him to reveal which piece needs to come out of the basket and be cleaned. Trying to dump the basket and do it all at once or on my own puts me right back to hiding and stuffing.

This is hard as I find sometimes I want to hide it all from God and not deal, but He does not and will not let me stay there!

I find comfort in knowing that God knows everything about me already. 

Psalm 139 is a favorite of mine because it tells me how much I am known, loved and wanted! We are loved and forgiven FOR ETERNITY! That is our identity in Christ as believers in Him.

Asking God to search my heart, to try me and know my thoughts (vs. 23-24) and to see what is keeping me from living in freedom to love Him and to love others is where I find the strength and courage to be vulnerable and to take the risk.

Will I still wear dark lenses? Yes. But the awareness of letting others see the light of Christ in me through my eyes (Luke 11: 34-36) compels me to deal with my stuff, to be vulnerable, to be willing to take the risk and to stop hiding. 

When I think about God’s command to love Him and others (Matthew 22: 37-39) I am compelled to deal with the stuff. 

There is too much at stake if I don’t.